“I don’t know how you do it,” a client recently said to me during one of our sessions. “If I had to hear myself and other women endlessly talk about an ex-boyfriend, I’d roll my eyes and tell them to just get over it.”
I told her that just getting over it is easier said than done until you’re the person going through it.
I know this because I’ve been through all of the feelings that any of my clients go through after a bad breakup.
For a while I was the girl still pining for a man she loved and lost.
Wondering what might have been if only…
Those two words will kill you if you let them: if only.
I would tell myself to “just get over it”, while still waking sadly from memory-laden dreams.
I believe in fate.
I believe that there is purpose to events, beyond mere coincidence.
It took me a long time to realize what this breakup would come to mean.
Because I didn’t marry my first love, the one who I thought would make me part of that ‘perfect couple’ that others would envy — I am more equipped to help others find true love. I have a beautiful son and another on the way. I have a wonderful marriage with a man who treats me like a princess.
The majority of women who didn’t live their happily ever after with the one they thought they were going to, but who have gone through the mess, the heartache, the highs and lows — it’s in going through these painful events that we are left at our most vulnerable, wondering how we can ever trust a man again.
Wondering how we can ever trust our fragile selves again to get it right.
To trust in love.
To trust in choosing the right person.
So we do what any rational human would do. We clamp both hands over our hearts as if to say, “I can’t let anyone in here.”
We may date now and again, but never let ourselves get too excited, just in case…
The subtle message that we are telling our heart and brain is…protect. Protect.
It is in this protection that we actually do the most damage of all to our fragile self-esteem.
We stop letting joy and love in. We stop letting even the possibility of love in. We stop letting ourselves be excited, one of the most basic and childlike emotions there is.
Therefore, how do we begin to trust again after a bad breakup?
We do the counter-intuitive thing. The thing we’re most afraid of.
We gently take both hands off of our heart.
We say, “I’m willing to trust again, even if I get hurt. Even if I don’t get it right the next time. I am willing to find true love.”
True love doesn’t exist without vulnerability. It just doesn’t.
You begin by first trusting yourself again. Trusting that you are a good judge of character. Trusting that you can make sound decisions.
When has there been another time where you’ve gone through a difficult situation, one you didn’t know if you’d get through, but you stood back up?
Who are other people in your life that you trust who haven’t let you down?
What decisions, big or small, have you made that you feel proud of?
Don’t let the breakup you went through, the one that feels so big right now, be what defines you and your life.
Only a heart like yours would have opened itself to that kind of love in the first place.
It is because of this, the loving heart that you have, that your desire for true love will come to be.
P.S. Let’s hear from you in the comments below! Have you ever felt like you need to move on but really you’re stuck wishing he’ll come back?
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