This month in the Dating Cocktail Lounge, a monthly membership for finding true love, we’ve been discussing the difference between the dating trend called Breezing, vs. what I call Cool Girl Syndrome. The key is to know are you falling into cool girl syndrome?
One of the girls in the group commented that she has a hard time being the ‘carefree cool girl’. She’d act like it because she knew that’s what guys liked but wasn’t feeling true to herself.
Eventually her real self would come out, typically when she was really into the guy, and then he would start pulling away from her.
What is the difference between having confidence within yourself with ‘breezing’, and when is it putting on more of an act and not being true to yourself? And more importantly, why?
The idea of Breezing is simple in essence and can come naturally for some people.
It’s a dating trend that focuses on not caring. It’s about being carefree, confident within yourself, and not worrying too much about what you’re supposed to be doing and what he’s thinking.
Breezing is telling you to be who you are, be true to yourself (EVEN if that’s not naturally the most carefree person in the world), and not to be afraid to speak your feelings.
When my clients are dating and they start to feel anxious about questions such as, “Should I text him back right now or wait?”, I ask, “What feels the most light and fun to you?” This keys you in to being true to yourself rather than following a prescriptive set of rules.
It’s easier to act authentically carefree and breezy when you’re dating someone if you’re not sure how much you like them at first, and if they’re not playing games with you.
The problem is that when you really like a guy and get attached too quickly, it can become almost impossible to naturally feel breezy.
That’s where Breezing’s evil stepsister comes in: Cool Girl Syndrome.
Cool Girl Syndrome is acting like, and trying to be, the super accommodating, low key cool girl in order to get a guy to like you.
I have played this role many times in my dating life, and let me tell you, when it’s not authentic it rarely if ever works out.
You may even have pure intentions, thinking, well he may just be a really busy guy and I’d like to be understanding, compassionate, and give him the benefit of the doubt because that is who I am.
Perhaps he has recently gone through a divorce and tells you that it is completely over between him and his wife, but they share young kids. He tells you that he wants to move forward with a new relationship, that he really likes you, while in the meantime he is still extremely intertwined with her and sets no boundaries.
You start to make excuses again for him, wanting to be compassionate for the situation he’s going through, while finding yourself increasingly frustrated and insecure.
If you are ‘t clear within yourself of what you want and what is OK to you, then what happens if you’re all too accommodating all too often, is that it sets the stage for the relationship and creates bitterness within you.
The guy may even say things to his friends like, “She is so easy going! She’s the coolest girl I’ve ever dated!” This SEEMS great, while in the meantime he’s learned that it’s okay to cancel dates last minute if something comes up because you don’t appear to care.
While, inside, you may be stewing and gritting your teeth to tell him that it’s fine, although really it’s not, but it’s too late to create a new precedent for the relationship.
The other consequence of Cool Girl Syndrome is that you may fall into friend zone with him. Trying to act super easy breezy can lead him to feel like you are more ‘one of the guys’ than his girlfriend, and could decrease the passion in the relationship.
A man wants a woman who inspires him to be better, who lifts him up, even if that means calling him out on his sh*t once in a while.
In essence, he learns that he doesn’t have to work for you, and you become more frustrated about it as the relationship moves forward.
You’ve taught him that he can give you crumbs of a relationship, rather than the real thing. And if you really like him, you start to accept these crumbs, feeling like it’s probably better than nothing.
But let me tell you beautiful, it’s not. You don’t deserve crumbs but the whole fucking cake.
And it’s important that you know what that whole cake looks like. Is it chocolate or vanilla? Ice cream or angel food?
You need to know what that fulfilling, loving relationship actually looks like so that you don’t fall head over heels with someone who was never prepared to give you that in the first place. He may even be incapable of giving you that kind of commitment.
Know what you want and don’t settle for less!
Collaboration and community mindedness brings out the best in women, allowing you to be comfortable in your own skin, and in tune with your intuition and confidence on a deep level.
That’s what brings out your feminine essence and makes you incredibly attractive to the RIGHT man for you.
That’s why I created a community of collaboration in the Dating Cocktail Lounge – a private Facebook group for just $7/month where you can connect with like minded women, get 24/7 dating advice and support when you have a question, and monthly themed action steps.
I’m offering a free trial through November 26th. Can’t wait to see you there!! We have the best coffee in the lounge
How about you? Have you ever tried to be carefree and easygoing in a relationship, only to fall into Cool Girl Syndrome instead? Let us know in the comments below!
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